Sad Decisions

A while ago I mentioned Martin’s been staying at his dad’s place… Well, it’s more than that. He’s moved back in there, and we’ve decided to move ahead with making this split official. I haven’t wanted to make our private lives public, so I’m not going to hash out all our woes here. However I’m also not going to try to hide this or pretend it isn’t happening anymore either.

This winter has been really rough for me. It’s been the support of my friends and family that keeps me going. Some of you have know more than others, but you’ve all been a huge help to me. Thank you!

I’ve avoided sharing because I believed this was a temporary thing. They more people knew, the more awkward it would be when we managed to work things out. I’ve always wanted to try and talk things out, work to resolve the issues pulling us apart, but honestly neither of us are very good at this skill. Yes, we could look for outside help, but he’s been opposed to going to see a counselor. Still, I thought that maybe with some space and time to think about it, he’d change his mind. Time has passed though, and things haven’t played out that way. While he’s been great about coming by to help out with things like the basement and teaching me to run the snow blower, he’s pretty much withdrawn otherwise. We’ve barely talked, and we’ve certainly not talked about us, and now that’s caused several other issues along the way.

All of this has been really stressful for me. I just want to fix things. My whole life is building and fixing things… But, if nothing else I was just hoping for a sense of understanding and closure. I’m learning to be content without it, but it’s hard. I’m just not happy about this outcome. Gods know that I haven’t always been happy, but for the vast majority of the time I’ve been content. Being truly unhappy has been rare. Up until this past fall, where it was clear that shit was going south, there hasn’t really been anything that I couldn’t just deal with and move on. Pretty much all of my happiest memories at this point, at least the more recent ones, include him.

On the other hand, it’s become quite clear over the last few months that he is not happy, and there’s nothing I’d want more for him than happiness. Sadly though, that isn’t something anyone can really find or give to someone else. Last fall he was saying that he couldn’t remember the last time he was truly happy. While I had a hard time hearing that, it has really stuck with me. It’s been both a wound and a wake up call. We might have shared the same experiences, but that doesn’t mean they’ve affected us in the same way. Perhaps I’ve always wanted an us more than he has, and that’s not really good for, or fair to, either of us.

I don’t know what else to say. People ask what happened, and I don’t have a lot of answers. The main objective I have in sharing is that I don’t want anyone making him out to be some sort of villain. I appreciate people wanting to help me save face or feel better or whatever it is that might be achieved by doing that, but please don’t. He’s just not a bad guy. Yes, my feelings are hurt, but I don’t see how that can realistically be avoided here. He is being as kind and considerate about all this as he can. Plus, this is not the only heavy life event in his world right now. His dad has been repeatedly in and out of the hospital and nursing home since last summer. Caring for one’s parents at the end of their life’s journey is no easy task either.

So, I guess this is an end to another chapter of my life. While this raises a whole new set of questions and issues for me to deal with, for now I’m just going to take it a day at a time. I’m sure I’ll manage to work my way through it. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?

Thank you all again for your company, help and support. Extra thanks to those of you who had little to no idea what was going on, but were still there for me in my grumpy, stressed out state. I’m forever grateful.